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French Kiss | I'll die alone: a Danish fairy-tale

Six years in Berlin, two years in Copenhagen and sleeping mostly in airports, Maïa Mazaurette likes to feel in-between. She´s a writer of books and comics, a magazine columnist, radio personality and professional blogger. She usually writes in French, but she´ll make an exception for The Copenhagen Post.

May 10, 2014

by Maïa Mazaurette

I tried wearing a short dress. I tried the clubs. I tried networking events. I tried the blonde bun on my head and the high heels on cobbled streets. I even tried the bodybuilding rooms at three different fitness centres.

The result? Not only do I still own the muscle structure of a sick slug, but seriously, where are the Danish men when you’d be up for some summer activities? (You know exactly what I mean.)

As the cliché goes, northern European guys only indulge in seduction when they’re drunk. Well, the cliché is true (I had the same experience during my expatriation in Germany, where I had to hunt for boyfriends with harpoons and sausages). 

No flirting before midnight
The unique rule for mating in Denmark is: before midnight, forget about it. Potential dates don’t understand why women talk to them – no matter how much sugar we put in our voice. Try blinking and winking?

They politely ask if you’re allergic to pollen. Try to steal a big kiss? They believe you’re some kind of dentist.

After midnight, it’s the opposite as they change from Mr Hide to Dr Party and start literally jumping into your bra, except for 1) people with a real job who are already asleep at that time, 2) the intoxicated Don Juan who can’t walk anymore, or talk, or remember his name, so there’s no good reason to believe he’d be able to carry out more complicated tasks.

(Again, you know what I mean.)

Cocky – not in a good way
Another reason why I can’t date, at least after midnight, is that Danish guys borrow their seduction tips from American bestseller ‘The Game’ by Neil Strauss – a Bible for pick-up artists.

Unfortunately I read this book too. Unfortunately those techniques don’t work on people with brains, but that still doesn’t prevent local guys trying and trying and trying again to be ‘cocky and funny’.

The problem is that the concepts of ‘cocky’ and ‘funny’ are quite different depending on where we come from. I have my French sensibility and don’t intend to replace it with Danish sarcasm – a sense of humour that shares strong links with several crimes against humanity.

(I love it that people are so confident in Denmark that they can take any joke, but I prefer to have friends who call me ‘Chérie’ rather than ‘Chewbacca’. Yes, this is a real-life experience.)

Crude or prudish
To summarise, Danish men are either sober and somewhat prudish or drunk and embarrassing. Both are funny. Both are friendly. I don’t complain.

I just acknowledge the fact that I’ll die alone, eaten by my 12 cats, which is sad because I’m actually the biggest fan of Danish guys.

They look wonderful and half of them, even dead drunk, could pass off as supermodels – have you noticed the cuteness of their nose?

I could start a religion dedicated to adoring those Nordic noses. So here is the conclusion: since Danish guys obviously are out of my reach, I have decided to consider our potential romance as one of those tragic tales in which lovers long for each other without any hope of proximity (you know what I mean). 

My princes turn into pumpkins at midnight. And that only makes them more desirable. Also: it’s a perfect excuse to buy little glass slippers.

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