The author: Sidsel Byskov Hansen is the founder of Expat Counselling, specialising in psychological counselling and support for international families, Third Culture Kids and Adult Third Culture Kids
“Where are you from?”
For most children, this is a simple question. For a Third Culture Kid, it can be surprisingly difficult.
“Denmark.”
“But where did you grow up?”
“Greece, Dubai, Malaysia and Oman.”
“So where is home?”
That question may have no simple answer.
For an increasing number of children growing up in internationally mobile families, childhood is not contained within one country, one language or one cultural framework. Their formative years may include several schools, countries, languages and friendship groups.
They are often called Third Culture Kids (TCKs) children who spend a significant part of their developmental years living in a culture different from their parents’ passport culture.
The concept originated with sociologist Ruth Hill Useem and was later developed by David C. Pollock and Ruth E. Van Reken in their influential book Third Culture Kids: Growing Up Among Worlds.
Today, as international mobility becomes an ordinary part of professional life, the TCK experience deserves more attention not because growing up internationally is inherently problematic, but because understanding the psychological impact of mobility can help children make the most of it.
The paradox of the global childhood
There is an important paradox at the heart of the TCK experience.
The same childhood experience can create both a strength and a vulnerability.
A child who has moved several times may become highly adaptable. They learn to observe a new environment, understand social cues and work out how things are done. They may develop curiosity, empathy and an ability to communicate across cultural differences.
But that same child may also become very familiar with loss.
Every move can mean leaving friends, teachers, routines, familiar streets and a version of themselves behind.
This is one of the central ideas in Van Reken and Pollock’s work: the TCK experience is not simply about the number of countries a child has lived in. It is about the psychological experience of growing up among worlds.
The world becomes larger, but the question of where one belongs can become more complicated.
Belonging is often about people, not places
In my work at Expat Counselling, I frequently meet families and Adult Third Culture Kids who describe home in relational rather than geographical terms.
A TCK may have lived in four or five countries and still feel deeply connected to each of them. Yet they may not feel completely “from” any of them.
This is not necessarily a lack of identity.
It can be a different kind of identity.
Many TCKs develop what might be described as a relational sense of belonging. They recognise people with similar experiences quickly. A young person who grew up in Greece, Dubai, Malaysia and Japan may feel an immediate connection with another young person who grew up between Singapore, London and Copenhagen.
They share an unwritten language.
They understand what it means to arrive somewhere new.
They understand that a friendship can become intense very quickly because there may not be much time.
And they understand that another goodbye may be coming.
The strengths are real
Research increasingly supports what many TCKs describe themselves.
A Danish study of people who grew up abroad found that 90% felt their upbringing had given them greater tolerance and empathy. Seventy-four per cent believed their experiences had helped them academically or professionally, while 93% said they could quickly adapt to new environments.
All respondents reported a sense of belonging to Denmark, while 81% also experienced belonging to the country where they had grown up.
This illustrates something important: belonging does not necessarily have to be either-or.
A person can belong to Denmark and to Malaysia.
They can love Copenhagen while missing Moscow.
They can speak Danish and dream in English.
They can feel connected to several cultures without having to choose one.
For many TCKs, this becomes a significant resource in adulthood. Cultural flexibility, curiosity and the ability to navigate differences are valuable skills in an increasingly international workplace.
But adaptability should not be mistaken for resilience
One of the risks of celebrating the TCK experience is that we can romanticise it.
We may look at the internationally mobile child and see confidence, independence and cultural sophistication.
But underneath the competence there can sometimes be a child or an adult TCK who has become exceptionally good at adapting because there was no alternative.
Being able to enter a new classroom and make friends quickly does not mean that leaving the old classroom was painless.
Being independent does not mean that support is unnecessary.
And being culturally competent does not mean that identity questions disappear.
Recent research into Adult TCKs has highlighted this complexity. TCKs frequently report strengths such as broad worldviews, empathy and intercultural competence, while also describing difficulties with belonging, identity and the cumulative effects of repeated transitions.
The psychological task is therefore not to make the child more resilient simply so they can cope with another move.
It is to make sure they have enough security, continuity and emotional support to process what the move requires of them.
What can parents do?
The most important thing parents can provide is not a perfect expatriate childhood.
It is continuity.
Talk about the move. Give children time to understand what is happening and what they are leaving behind.
Take goodbyes seriously. Do not assume children will simply make new friends. Help them acknowledge the relationships they are losing and find meaningful ways to maintain important connections.
Create family rituals. When countries, homes and schools change, familiar family traditions can become psychological anchors.
Ask about belonging. Instead of repeatedly asking, “Do you like it here?”, ask, “What feels familiar?” and “What feels difficult?”
Allow mixed feelings. A child can be excited about a new country and heartbroken about leaving the old one. Both can be true.
And perhaps most importantly, avoid turning adaptability into an expectation.
Your child does not have to be grateful every day for the opportunities international life provides.
They are allowed to miss home.
Even when home is complicated.
Building roots while moving
The goal is not necessarily to give a TCK one geographical root.
It is to help them develop internal and relational roots.
Roots can be people. They can be family traditions, friendships, language, values and memories. They can be the knowledge that wherever you move, there are relationships that remain.
This is particularly important because international mobility does not only affect children.
Denmark is competing internationally for skilled professionals and global talent. But global professionals rarely move alone. They move with partners and children, and the wellbeing of the family can influence whether an international relocation succeeds.
Supporting the child is therefore not simply a private family concern. It is part of sustainable international mobility.
At Expat Counselling, our team has worked with international families and in international schools in Denmark and around the world. Across more than 500 clients from 62 countries, one pattern continues to emerge: people generally do not struggle because they have experienced too much culture. They struggle when they have not had enough opportunity to make sense of what those experiences mean.
Growing up among worlds can be an extraordinary gift.
But children need adults who understand both sides of the experience: the opportunity and the loss, the independence and the need for security, the cultural competence and the identity questions.
A global childhood does not have to leave a child without roots.
Sometimes, it simply means learning that roots can grow in more than one place.
