Conrad the Contrarian: More like farting hell!

OPINION: Easter might have finished well over a month ago, but we’re still not free of its grasp!

There’s a lot of påske in Denmark – a lot. It certainly doesn’t end with Holy Week.

Easter’s eternal extent
It’s scattered throughout the year like some great long flashback of lockdown. Føtex is closed, offices are like ghost towns and everyone has liver failure from the akvavit.

In my humble opinion, it’s too much. Much too much. To the point that it isn’t even a real holiday in my eyes.

There’s ten, count them, ten(!) days of Påske påskeness throughout what feels like a very short spring. Randomly and suddenly, things will be closed due to a bizarre holiday such as Pinsedag (and again because there’s of course a second Pinsedag!).

1686 a missed opportunity
Following a controversial post-election promise, Store Bededag was abolished in late February – to be fair, this was a long time coming, as ‘Big Prayer Day’ was a good example of the nonsense surrounding Danish Påske.

In 1686, King Christian V was so pissed off with the number of small prayer days that he merged them into one – only he didn’t include enough of them and save us all the recent centuries ago.

It was a chance to soak up all the closed-supermarket-and-distressed-parent holidays into one single manageable fixed date.

Farting hell more like
Because some of it really is nonsense. Himmelfartsdag? I don’t know how much Himmelfarting we must endure. Of 195 countries, it’s only celebrated in 12 and one of those is Vanuatu (which funnily enough, with its good weather, beaches and fresh fruits, is the exact opposite of Herning).

I don’t know why this day wasn’t scrapped because the entire country also takes the Friday off to give themselves a four-day weekend merely minutes after enjoying the three-day affair Store Bededag and barely seconds before the three-day Pentecost weekend, by which point we are all a week behind at work.

The email inbox is exploding, office plants are dead and no-one has seen a doctor since Fastelavn.

Just wanna be normal
If Christian had deleted some of the unnecessary mush around Påske (including fartsdag) then it absolutely would be allowed to sit on the throne next to other genuine holidays such as Christmas and Halloween.

There is hope for our contemporary situation, popular opinion can be realised and policy can change. Quickly and efficiently, we can organise popular protests across the ten largest cities of Denmark.

“Give os vores liv tilbage!” they will chant! People can start turning up to work and school irrespective of the nonsensical Palmesøndag or 2. Pinsedag; demanding to live normal lives no matter who wants to pretend Skærtorsdag is a legitimate thing.

A proper day off, please
And maybe the government would listen, take a leaf out of King Christian V’s book and mop up these ancient bombshells into something that resembles a real holiday. A real holiday where supermarkets are open and flight prices are not horrific.

Take your påskebryg, cardamom bollers, eggs with mustard, poisonous akvavit and consolidated prayers – and put it all on one day we can understand.

And keep Føtex open.