Dear Cousin Conan,

First of all, you are probably wondering why I think I’m your cousin, so let’s get that out of the way.

Take a look at this photograph of my grandfather, you might notice a striking resemblance of both hair and feature. The hair alone is a dead giveaway, don’t you concur?

And there are the very persuasive stories about an Irish missionary in Chongqing, Father O’Brien, who was a very busy boy.

Still not convinced? Think about this: You are weird. I’m weird. You graduated with a very serious history degree from Harvard, but remain weird. I graduated with a very serious theology degree from University of Copenhagen, also remain weird. Coincidence? I think not.

Now. What’s up with this houseboat in Copenhagen with Woody business? Everyone in Copenhagen listened to that podcast of yours, so when you mentioned that Woody Harrelson asked you to buy a houseboat with him in Copenhagen and you believed him, we couldn’t believe you.

Woody has been coming regularly to Copenhagen for some years now. And yes. He has asked everyone and his wife in Copenhagen to buy a houseboat with him. We folks in Copenhagen are used to people talking and nothing comes of it, so we are not half as naïve as you are, my good Sir.

By the way, you should definitely get a houseboat in Copenhagen with or without Woody. A lot of capitalist pigs living abroad buy houseboats in Copenhagen thus avoiding horrendous Danish taxes.

Just get a cheeky accountant in Copenhagen and find some pocket change to pay for that houseboat. What’s a couple of million Danish for you in exchange for perfect self-containment? Yes, you heard right. No one here is lonely or needy, because a Dane is always happy about themselves and content in their very own company.

For the same reason, your beautiful wife will be perfectly safe in Copenhagen, as Copenhagen men are not going to court her, because they are only into themselves.

You should also most definitely build a podcast studio in your houseboat. Imagine how many cool people you get to talk to in there. Yes, everyone passes by Copenhagen, eventually.  

Don’t worry, I will be your cynical but optimistic guide to Copenhagen. Trust me, you need me. I know you have visited Denmark before. But living here is going to be very different for you.

On the other hand, if you are wondering “am I too mad or too weird to live in Denmark?” the answer is yes and no. You are too mad and too weird to live here during autumn, winter and spring. But summer… During summer, even Danes become tolerant people. Also, being white is great in Copenhagen. And no one is whiter than you, Cousin Conan.

If you do come, Cousin Conan, I would like you, Sona, Matt and Jordan to come to my place and eat something I’m testing. I’m wondering: Would a snob such as Jordan like twice cooked pork? Would a vulgarian such as Matt like shrimp with fermented chili beans? Would a careful prude such as Sona like pig feet? Would Conan eat anything other than potatoes? Those are my questions, would you help me?

So here it is, my offer you can’t possibly refuse, dear Cousin.

If you do refuse, I shall cry myself to nap and write a Kierkegaardian opera about rejection and defeat. So long, Cousin Conan, be merry and eat kimchi!