Online dating apps … we hate them, yet we can’t live without them.
Caught in a circle
The day you download and start using the app often yields results: whether it’s a few chats or even some actual dates. But inevitably you get disappointed, and in one click you’re off the app again. Forgotten.
Then some bright Sunday morning, walking down the street you see a happy couple, and suddenly a dark cloud shatters your day, as you can’t help but think: ‘Why can’t it be me?’
So, you get the boyfriend rash and next thing you know: you are back on the apps, hoping that this time you will hit the jackpot.
Only works for certain types
Hope only gets you so far. Because if you don’t change your approach and mindset, you’re only going to get the same results.
The familiar story for women on dating apps is that it’s hard to separate the good guys from the bad ones. Everyone’s been on boring dates or maybe even been ghosted or received unsolicited pictures or, heck, even been swindled.
Take my friend Mia. She matched with a guy on Tinder and had a crazy crush on him. He checked all of her ‘dream man’ boxes: handsome, smart, funny, tall, great job, wanted to have kids someday etc. She was sending me screenshots of his pictures and his irresistibly cute texts. All sounded good to my ears except a tiny not so tiny detail: they never met!
They were texting for weeks and my friend’s feelings were growing exponentially by the hour – along with my worries for her. She kept telling me he’s busy with a project and can’t meet right now. I kept telling her: ‘A man who’s interested will make time for you’. She didn’t like my words and so she stopped bringing him up in our conversations.
One day, I got a message from Mia: ‘He unmatched me and he’s not answering my texts.’
I am not condemning the dating apps, as they do serve a purpose. If you have an unlimited amount of DETERMINATION, an unshakable CONFIDENCE and crystal-clear CLARITY of your love life, they can work just fine.
However, I don’t think they are designed to help you find your ‘happy ever after’. Instead, they are designed to keep you highly frustrated by them.
Happenings over app-enings
Now, if online dating hasn’t killed your hopes of finding great guys or pushed you to join the ‘Singles on Purpose’ communities, I’m thrilled to tell you that you can 100 percent date outside of the dating apps
Yes! Even when you live in Copenhagen and where men are not taking the initiative to approach you.
You can take matters into your own hands and create your own dating opportunities. For that, you need social momentum, belief in yourself that grows through practice and a few know-hows to start a conversation with anyone.
Cast your shyness aside
Still with me? Good. Let’s look at the potential stories you tell yourself as to why, not in a million years, you will start approaching guys.
You could be telling yourself: “I am super shy, I can barely look at a cute guy for two seconds.”
You do not need to be an extrovert, to approach and talk to guys. All you need is a smile, a friendly welcoming attitude and rejection-free icebreakers. People are hungry more than ever for genuine human connections – especially after the COVID isolation.
The other day, I shared an elevator ride with a girl. She was wearing a massive pearl ring! I couldn’t help but say: “Wow! That’s an impressive ring.”
She gave me a big smile and ended up telling me a little story about the ring. It was a sweet moment we shared that enriched my day and lightened up hers. This is just a simple example, but it can be done in different ways.
Guys love being approached
Guys can be approached in the same way. People love to be approached if you know how a good approach can make them feel.
You might think: ‘It will look desperate, approaching a guy’. But guys will absolutely love it if you take the initiative and give them the green light to talk to you. Women who approach are tapping into an easy and unused opportunity.
It might be a double standard, but women are almost never labelled as being ‘creepy’ when approaching someone, contrary to men, so help them and you will be doing a favour to everyone.
I was standing in a neverending line the other day and got into a nice convo with the girl behind me. She was waiting for her boyfriend to arrive, so I asked her one of my favourite ever questions: ‘How did you two meet?’
Very proud, she told me her story. She went to the dentist, entered the waiting room and spotted him right away. The waiting room was big, but her interest in him was even bigger. She walked all the way to the end of the room and sat one seat away from him. She smiled and said ‘Hi!’. That’s it! A smart woman that went for what she wanted by getting close and starting a chat.
Remember: ‘you choose the man’
From a purely evolutionary perspective, we need to be active and selective about our mate, because as women, we pay a far greater reproductive cost by making the wrong choice. We are the ones who get pregnant and we are the ones who get to nurture the offspring for the years ahead (most of the time).
As a woman, you need to shift your outlook from the romantic movies, which tell you to sit and wait to be picked up, to approaching and talking to the guy YOU want.
Ultimately you choose your man. But being the one who chooses doesn’t mean that you need to be aggressive about it. That is not feminine, nor attractive. It is your attitude and the things you say that can make or break your approach.
So let me ask you this: Which of these pains would you rather live by: the pain of rejection or the pain of regret?
Maroua Sajeb
Maroua (marouasajeb.com) is a dating coach who helps women attract great men with meaningful romantic connections. Maroua is hosting monthly dating events for ladies who are tired of the dating apps and want to date the organic way. Join her supportive environment where you can practise approaching guys and push your comfort zone. Connect and say ‘Hi!’ via facebook.com/maroua.saj.