Tits up, this is dead in the water

HOLLYWOOD is at it again with a ridiculously bad horror film to help kick off the start of the summer blockbuster season.

There are films that are so bad they’re good. Then there are films that are just plain awful. This film tried to be the former, but fell somewhere in between. The result: lukewarm feelings and mild amusement, if you try not to take things too seriously and just have fun.

For those of you who missed the previous film, entitled Piranha 3D, the film Piranha 3DD is the sequel. If you’re unfamiliar with the franchise, it plays off of the teen horror genre with gratuitous sex and violence.
In Piranha 3DD, the ancient piranhas are back to wreak more havoc – this time at a water park. The title of the sequel plays off of the very large, DD bra size, and you can be sure that the film has plenty of breasts and nudity. Cheap thrills empowered with 3D are the name of the game, not to mention a lot of gore and shock factor.

Unfortunately, it’s not a very scary film. Sure, there are moments to make you jump, which surprise you but do not really frighten you. And there is no build-up of suspense whatsoever. It just jumps right into the action and basically never lets up. We always know something bad is going to happen, and it generally happens pretty quickly.

The acting was not that great, but it didn’t help that the characters written for them were ridiculously stupid. The only funny performance was Christopher Lloyd as the scientist, although Hasselhoff was somewhat entertaining as well.

There are a few diamonds in the rough, but overall, it’s just a ridiculously bad film. The plot was horribly illogical. The writers seemed to embrace this fact and run away with it. They deserve some credit for coming up with a few creatively gory scenes. If there was one quote to sum up the entire attitude of the film, it would be this: “Josh cut off his penis ‘cause something came out of my vagina.”

 

 

Piranha 3DD
Dir: Josh Gulager; US horror, 2012, 83 mins; Danielle Panabaker, Matt Bush, David Hasselhoff
Premiered June 14
Playing nationwide