“This one is for the ladies.” But before I reveal why, it’s worth asking what happened to those kinds of DJs? You know: the cheesy, breezy, make you queasy brigade. Well, they still exist, but they’re lying low at the moment, waiting for the Jimmy Saville fall-out to blow over. It’s made them the heterosexual equivalent of the Roman Catholic priest. 

Not sure you can taint modern DJs with the same brush, although just like prostitutes and male strippers, they continue the tradition of sleeping with intoxicated customers. 

I must admit that the ‘art form’ is a little lost on me, and the other day, I found a kindred spirit in an unlikely source. I was trying to find out what Oscar Pistorius’s favourite song is – no it wasn’t anything by Bullet for my Valentine, but I bet they’ve been popular on Google (it was for a quiz question; see G8 for details of my next instalment)  – and I found out that one of his favourite artists is a DJ called Deadmau5 (pronounced dead mouse, of course) who objects to being called a DJ because they’re all “f**king c**ts”, particularly the “‘massive’ up-on-a-podium performer playing other people’s productions at the same speed as someone else’s productions and fading between the two of them”. Exactly!

Talking of Pistorius, apparently BBC Radio 6 decided to play Jimi Hendrix’s ‘Hey Joe’ immediately after a report of the shooting: “And Pistorius is expected to appear in court tomorrow morning.” PAUSE, cue music: “Hey Joe, where you going with that gun in your hand? I’m going out to shoot my old lady, you know I caught her messing around with another man.”

Now while it’s true I’ve never shot my girlfriend, I can sympathise with somebody getting it so wrong on Valentine’s Day. Because while this one is for the ladies, really it’s for the men who want to show their other-halves that they really get it. 

Start by whisking her away to the Chocolate Festival (see G2) and then buy her a bra that actually fits properly (G9). And finally set the video for The Newsroom (G20). It’s true the hard news might put her off, but it’s got more romance than a Danielle Steele novel.

And don’t forget my quiz, which has a whole five-point round for the ladies. But be warned, she might just join the groupie onslaught on the ‘man on the podium’.