A crime against cinema so unfunny it’s scary

Scary Movie 5 opens with Sheen and Lohan in a Paranormal Activity-esque bedroom scene, preparing to make a sex tape. When Lohan becomes possessed by a demon and kills Sheen, his three children are orphaned and later discovered in the woods by a pair of stoners. They are then adopted by their uncle Dan (Rex) and his wife Jody (Tisdale). After the children are brought to their new home, strange things start happening around the house. It seems that the children have come with strings attached – namely in the form of a possessive demon …

Beyond this sorry excuse for a storyline, the film continues to make little to no sense. Even having seen most of the films on the chopping block for parody, the film is neither funny nor frightening (although the latter wasn’t intended) and holds little connection with the franchise’s previous films.

The best way to describe Scary Movie 5 is ‘gratuitous’. Gratuitous sex, violence and vulgar jokes all make the entire film ridiculously unnecessary. It relies heavily on Dan getting beat up in various ways and on repeated violent accidents, but beyond these lukewarm gags, the humour then turns to bodily fluids. Even the added cameos from random celebrities do nothing to save the film. Overall, Scary Movie 5 only boasts a handful of moments worth chuckling over – and needless to say, a comedy is not successful if the theatre is silent.

It’s easy to picture the writers’ room and their attempts to come up with parodies of popular films, but these are not truly connected throughout the script. It makes no sense how a weak narrative thread holds the plot loosely together, as one parody flows into the next.

The mind boggles attempting to understand how this franchise continues to pump out sequels. Apparently, enough people are going to see these films to keep the series afloat; however, it’s not recommended.

Perhaps the most frightening aspect of Scary Movie 5 is that the production company even gave the film’s creators the green light.

Scary Movie 5 (11)

Dir: Malcom D Lee; US comedy, 2013, 85 mins, Ashley Tisdale, Simon Rex, Charlie Sheen, Lindsay Lohan
Premiered April 18
Playing nationwide