Everyone’s Irish on St Patrick’s Day − here’s how you can be too

If you’re not averse to some casual cultural appropriation and aren’t in the least bit concerned about severe stereotyping, then this is the perfect guide for you.
Here’s how to fit seamlessly into the celebrations and nail being fake-Irish for the day.

Going green
Although the patron saint’s traditional colour is actually blue, green is widely associated with St Patrick’s Day.

Ireland’s national symbol, the shamrock, is green, and the country’s colloquial name is the Emerald Isle, so to be truly authentic on St Patrick ’s Day you should be decked out in the gaudiest of colours.

Absolutely everything should be green, from your hair right down to that pint in your hand. So don’t be a gobshite, make sure you stock up on lots of green facepaint and food colouring.

Learning the lingo
You don’t have to trouble yourself with learning Gaelic for good measure, but if you really want to boost those Irish credentials, do so with a few of our choice phrases (see below).

Discover how to shoot the craic and avoid acting the maggot, so when it comes to Thursday you can concentrate on giving that Mary the glad eye.

Leprechauns from banshees
Amongst the dusty pages of Celtic folklore sit some terrifying creatures and if you don’t want to get caught out one foggy night in the glen (or half way down Gothersgade on a Saturday night), then you should study yours.

Leprechauns are fairies who hoard their riches at the end of a rainbow and are best known for their wily ways. According to Irish legends the leprechaun was a shoemaker, so you’ll know the little man is near by the tapping of his tiny cobbler hammer to be sure!

A mythical monster that far surpasses the diminutive leprechaun in the terror stakes is the dearg-due, meaning ‘red blood sucker’ in Gaelic. A female vampire that seduces men and drains their blood, legend has it that the dearg-due was forced into an unhappy union by her father and killed herself in order to escape the matrimonial confides. One night she rose again from the grave to carry out her reign of terror, starting first with her dad, and then her eejit of a hubby.

Bram Stoker was an Irishman, so inspiration for Count Dracula may well be embedded in the Emerald Isle’s dearg-due.

The theme of wicked women continues with the banshee, another fairy spirit who in Irish mythology is depicted as an ugly hag who soars around your family home wailing warnings of imminent death. Supposedly only six Irish clan names are afflicted by the screaming woman though, so you’re probably safe.

Memorise those ballads
We’re not talking about Enya, U2 or even the Pogues here, but the real classics, the songs of great power and solace: ‘The Fields of Athenry’, ‘Danny Boy’ and ‘Molly Malone’.

No Irish eyes will be smiling if you can’t belt out at least one of the above whilst swigging down some of the black stuff.

Rewrite your family tree
If you’re British, then March 17 is probably the most inconvenient day to be so, so why not reinvent your back-story and lay claim to some Irish roots?

Gramps might have originally come from Chiswick, but just for today Paul (but call him Seamus) was one of seven born in Limerick City.

Roughly acquaint yourself with the area and practise some of the aforementioned phrases and you’ll be a plastic paddy in no time.

So may the luck of the Irish be with you on St Patrick’s Day, and remember, if you don’t want to get pinched by a leprechaun, you’ll don that ‘Kiss me I’m Irish’ green t-shirt and ginger wig and join the bandwagon with the rest of us.