I’m absolutely flabbergasted, and no, I’m not talking about the decisions to cut two of our national holidays or charge online users for reading Danish newspapers – although the reason is linked to the latter.

Apparently, a survey reveals that since the launch of our new website last year, our users have not ordered a single Russian mail order bride. Not one!

Now, we understand. You’re concerned the said order will show up when you post a message: “Blah, blah, welfare state blah, tell Anastasiya I will be at the harbour on Tuesday wearing a Where’s Wally t-shirt, blah, blah, the Danes are cold, blah.”

Please be assured, this isn’t possible – our website is a secure zone. The same is also true of listings and adverts in InOut and on the website, but while our discretion is assured, don’t feel you have to reciprocally consume in silence. Clicking our ads and ticking our box when you show up will help our cause – you’ll be doing us a favour.

Headlining this week are two performance pieces: the English-language opera Albert Herring and Mellemrum 2012, an English-language guided tour around the backstreets of Vesterbro. Both are quirky and intriguing … so much so that reading the plot of the opera was a little trippy, and to think it was written in 1947. And Mellemrum is nothing short of a magical mystery tour.

If uneasiness bordering on queasiness is your thing, then don’t miss the final part of acclaimed documentary Kumare, the kind of film The Dictator could have been if only Sacha Baron Cohen had stuck to the spoof documentary format that served him so well in The Ali G Show and Borat, and to a lesser extent in Bruno.

Our review observes that Cohen is critical of pretty much everything except Israel so maybe he’ll be interested to know that the Jewish Film Festival starts this week.

Anyhow, we’ll stop short of asking you to tell the cinema where you got the recommendation or, in the case of The Dictator, the warning. With or without him on your t-shirt, you’re only going to look like a wally.