Do Danes celebrate Valentine’s Day? Or at least, do the children (see our list of the multitudes of events you can entertain them with this winter half-term) send each other secret cards? Being Denmark, you could imagine some annoying new-ager ensuring they all get the same number. Because love’s fair isn’t it?

On any other day, an unsigned amorous card would be handed over to the police. While I can’t remember getting any cards myself (see page G9 of the InOut section for things to do on Valentine’s Day), it’s not like I haven’t had my fair share of pests. Many of them started with a charity dance (guilt-tripped into obliging by other women I was hoping to impress), but then again, as a young man, all I needed was a charity glance to presume somebody wanted to have my babies. 

Not sure I’ve ever taken somebody out for a date on Valentine’s either (read the female take on this dilemma). But if I did, and wanted to pretend I was somebody completely different just to get her drunk and into bed – not too drunk though – I might consider taking her to Cirque de Soleil’s Alegria at Forum (see page G3 of the InOut section for details). 

It’s quite an impressive venue – all you have to do is keep on stoking the fire that lit up inside her the moment she walked in.

Should everything go to plan and you return together to your flat, remember to ensure you’ve got plenty of books (see page G8 of the InOut section for our new column, Books Corner, which every month, thanks to Books & Company in Hellerup, will fill you in on the latest English-language releases), just in case they took film director John Waters’ advice to heart – I seem to remember it on Facebook.  

“If you go home with somebody, and they don’t have books, don’t f**k ‘em!” Waters said to briefly lift us all out of the doldrums of the celeb-obsessed, superficial hell we frequent to imagine a world where women get turned on by Byron and Keats. Funnily enough, I’ve always applied the same rationale to women who own a copy of Pink Flamingos. (Or I would if I wasn’t a man.) 

So here’s hoping Valentine’s works out for you. Just remembering it is half the battle. Do just enough to get by, but don’t overdo it if you forsee the possibility of a sulky comparison in the future.